I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
