No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize