i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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