Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize