yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
