so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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