So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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