Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
