there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
