Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
