I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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