Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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