if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
