I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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