Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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