she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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