You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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