The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
