I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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