My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
being pregnant is like rehab
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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