Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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