doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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