Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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