I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
