how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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