Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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