it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
