you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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