man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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