MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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