Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize