I need to stop coming to work sober
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
