Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
