First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
