You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize