it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
