you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
