But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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