Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
