My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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