please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
