this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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