I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Randomize
