I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
