Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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