I just pynch a tree in the face
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize