All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
