she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
