I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
