Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
