if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
