Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
