how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you didnt know i had herpes?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
