I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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