Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I had to cum in my sink.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
