I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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