This is not my ceiling
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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