dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
