hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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