he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
