It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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