she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
