ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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