First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
