ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I party with great urgency now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize