With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
