I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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