I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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